Myspace Mutants

When gender-bending becomes a way of life. . .

2008-12-01T01:17:00.006-05:00

You get JC Fitness HQ, aka Juliana Nápoles Comprindo.

Juliana is a highly accomplished athlete. I am not going to rattle everything off, but I will touch on some highlights: She has been on TV (American Gladiators), won competitions, was drafted to play professional sports, is a personal trainer, has a fully equipped gym and she tours "different art gallery showings" and displays her work in "special events."
You know, normal stuff. She 'roids the f out, pumps some iron, and then she paints pictures. She must be one hell of an artist, too. Check out this flyer she has:

Damn, I'm gonna have to search for her work on Ebay.

And, check this photo out:

I am going to go out on a limb, and assume those aren't her kids. So, what the hell is going on here? Do parents hire her out, kind of like Chris Farley's Sat Night Live character (the guy who lived in the van) to scare kids straight?

Hypothetical recap of the events leading up to the above photo:

Mom: Ok boys, remember I told you a special friend was coming by today?
Boy 1 and Boy 2: Yes, mom.
Mom: Well, this is JC.
Boy 1: Hello, sir.
JC: What, boy? I ain't no sir, I'm a mama. I'm a hot mama. And I pity the fool who calls me sir.
Boy 1: Cries.
Boy 2: Mommy why does she look like a man?
Mom: Err. . .
JC: Listen you son of a bitch. . .
Mom: Um. . .
JC: Yo mama told me you ain't been eatin' your vegetables. Don't you wanna grow up to be big and strong like JC?
Boy 2: Why do you talk like Mr T?
JC: Mr T is my son, motherfucker. And Kimbo is my grandson. Figure that shit out.
Boy 2: I love Kimbo!
JC: He's a son of a bitch.
Boy 2: But. . .

Seriously, though. Would ANYone you know go to this woman to learn how to work out?

Step 1: Take hormones and/or steroids.
Step 2: Pump some serious iron.
Step 3: Hopefully she doesn't roid-rage on your ass.

I mean, I think her methods are pretty obvious, and not entirely elusive to anyone willing to take the risks associated with steroid use, one I found on the internet: "a very common side effect related to steroids is gynecomastia, better known as 'bitch tits.'"

Oh, btw. . . if you are looking for some artwork, check it out:

This entry is being made especially for "The South Florida Music Scene" blog. . .

2008-11-30T21:48:00.005-05:00

Introducing, The Kimosabes.

They hail from Fort Lauderdale, FL, and so my question is this: why the fuck haven't these guys been weeded out of music? Seriously, who writes songs in tab-it and post midi-files to Myspace? If you're gonna do that, at least make the songs funny. I think maybe these were supposed to be funny, but they aren't. Then again, I just read the blog entitled, "Something's different!" and it states, "Yeah, there's a new song up. It's not bulletin-"ATTENTION!!"-worthy, since there are no vocals recorded for it yet. It's been around for quite a bit now. I've tried to record some vocals for the piece but I've yet to perform to my own contentnessness. I think I'm growing up. The "band", too."
He seems to have been referring to the track, "Untitled instrumental," a track not featuring any vocals.
Yeah man, all grown-up, your sound has really matured: you cut out the hideous nasally vocals.
Is this what your town is coming up with these days guys? I admit, Orlando has "Random Acts of Retardation" but even they are not as wretched as this crap (plus they have really funny videos to watch.)
This band is also responsible for making the worst band bio I have ever seen:
"It's all about friendships, movies, and lee-ove. Nada else. Mold the world. Production of a new album is happening, despite life and career aspirations that take place. But we're still on your friends list and look above where you'll see a song named "Untitled" on our little player--so it ain't the end, yet, our friends! Right?!?! Sakar-OW! "

What the fuck does any of that even mean?
"lee-ove?"
"Mold the world?"
"But we're still on your friends list and look above where you'll see a song named "Untitled" on our little player--so it ain't the end, yet, our friends!"
Did you TAKE an english class? EVER?

I did find one thing positive on their page. Well, it is positive if you have absolutely no musical talent what-so-ever and you are desperate to join a band:
"Band Members
[[Adam A]] -- [[Vocals, Programmer]]
[[Christopher M]] -- [[Vocals]]
[[(Your Name Here)]] "

Your name here??? That could be you!!!

Do yourself a favor, and listen to at least 30 seconds of each song.

Man. I need a cooler Myspace name. Some thing. . . hip. . .

2008-11-07T08:24:00.006-05:00

How about. . . Dr. Cool ? ? ?

Dr. Cool comes to us from Clearwater, FL, and in case you were wondering, he moved there in 1992. Why do I know this? Because he felt it was important enough to put in his "about me" section, of course! I mean, cool, thanks for sharing, brah.
If you needed further evidence of his coolness, he lets us know that his hobbies include coin collecting, basketball cards and comic books. Very cool things to some people. Maybe not so much to your average 65 year old man.

But then again, how many 65 year old men with the virility to be top friends with these babes?

Impressive!

And what about the comment THIS babe left him?

Way to go Dr. Cool. I know I am jealous. So jealous, I may need to spend more time writing about your girl Fiona and her friends.

Further more, I am wondering myself why Dr. Cool doesn't do any modeling:

The guy is obviously very diverse as far as his repertoire of poses.

After all of this, do you know what the worst thing is?
"Children: Proud parent"

So, at age 65, he is probably not only a proud parent, but also a proud grandparent. How do you explain to your granddaughter who all the skanks in your top friends are, Dr. Cool?

FALL SEASON PREVIEW

2008-10-28T10:26:00.002-04:00

In addition to the post below, here are a few entries you might expect to see this fall:

Just in time for Halloween. . . I bring you. . .

2008-10-28T08:18:00.002-04:00

A TOTAL CREEP!
This kid (haha) is odd enough that I felt an absolute need to write about him. First off, he ain't no kid, though he seems to do his best to pose like he is one in his pictures. He is 39, and his name is SanguineNights.

We shall assume he means "sanguine" as in bloody. So loosely translated his name is Bloody Nights. Perfect for Halloween!
Further adding to the guy's creep-factor is the fact that he is an organist and he wrote a blog to a married woman he is in love with, that he has never actually met.
I am thinking "Phantom of the Opera" here. . .

. . . like, the guy creeps into the church at night and croons about his lady love whilst pounding out his angst on the organ. Here is the poem he wrote for her:
"With the sound of your voice, it makes my heart melt in two, and i am really looking forward to finally getting to meet you. I want you to be my friend and i know that our friendship will be right to the end. The days and nights go by and i all i want to do is cry. From the very first time we talked on the phone you sent my heart into space. and now i am earnestly waiting to finally meeting you face to face. I am looking for someone to love that is a gift sent from above. and i know that if we get together our love will be forever. This is what my heart longs for cause i do not want to be alone anymore. I have been single for a long time and i hope that one day you will be mine. I will shower you with love each and every day and i will always be there for you no matter what may come your way. But until you and i finally meet, I just want to tell you that you hold a special place in my heart and i pray that God will watch over us while you and i are apart!"
Wait. Maybe this is more "Fear" than "Phantom of the Opera":

The other oddity is the juxtaposition of his age with his "youthfully themed" photos. I mean, would you really expect a 39 year old to have pictures like this?

"Oops!"

or

not to mention his blog about his travails keeping a job as a cashier at a grocery store. 39. cashier. grocery store. HARD???
"Well to begin with, I had to work last night at the grocery store from 4:00pm until 9:00pm and I come into work and I somewhat had a good night until about 8:30pm cause I had to deal with a customer that was rude to me in more ways than one since i was the only cashier on at the time due to the fact that everybody else was on break or taking a half an hour lunch while on duty. This person who i do not know his name at all nor do i know where he was from came in with his friend and put his groceries on my belt and told me to step on it mark cause i am in a hurry. This person was really pissing me off but I did not say a word to him while i was cashing him out. I took care of his order and i told him how much he owed me for the bill. He used his ACCESS card to pay for it which i do get alot of customers who pay with that card. I then gave him his receipt and he told me that if i over charge him for anything he said that he was going to kick my ass. I then told him that i do not over charge anybody for anything. Well i try my best not too if i can help it. The guy and his friend left and I then counted to 10 to myself and I calmed down afterwards. I have dealt with rude customers but this person was the icing on the cake. I was just waiting for this person to start with me cause i was fucking pissed off in more ways than one but as a result i handled myself in a fashion that was not going to jeopardize my job cause i learned my lesson the first time when i got out of line with a customer which i was told that one more time that i am rude to a customer i would get fired so as a result i did not say a word to this person at all i kept my cool and i felt better from within me. So advice to you if you are dealing with assholes in your life, please conduct yourself in a manner that will not jeporadize you or your place of employment. Take my advice!! Think before you react not react and think. It works for me and it could work for you too!! Talk to you soon!!"

This is one odd bird. He even blessed us with a blog about a love poem he received in Highschool, i.e. 20+ years ago:
"I sit here by my window and I look at the clear blue sky. I think of a wonderful person, the guy who caught my eye. Yet we are different but our love will continue to grow, the two of us together are stronger than the both of us alone. When I am with you, my spirit will soar with each passing hour of the day. I will love you even more, What I am trying to say my love is that what we share together is what others are looking for so stay in my heart with me forever. (Sad to say. I tried writing to her last week, but my letter was returned from the Lubec post Office in Maine telling me that she is deceased for 10 years now and I am really taking it hard cause I did not know anything about it until my letter was returned back to me. Shelley died at the age of 26 or 27 because of cardio vascular disease ( her fingers were blue someone told me), There was no oxygen going through her blood. We were supposed to meet after High School but I stopped writing to her and I lost contact through the years so I decided to write her a letter after 20 years later figuring that she was still alive but I found out different. I am very hurt over this and I have been crying over her for 3 days now. I hope that her and me meet one day in heaven but I just want to say to you Shelley, I love you so much and miss you lots. I regret not seeing you after high school so please watch over me and I hope that we meet in heaven. Love and Kisses, Mark!"

Oh, and need I mention. . .

Caption: "Is this the worman's bible in my hands? Tell me now!"

Yes, Bloody Nights. The magazine that teaches women how to give better blowjobs is also where they garner their religion. Good call!

Now last, but not least, I would like to leave you with his favorite movies. . .
"Jack Frost, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Witchhouse, Up Against Amanda, The StepDaughter, Big, White Boys, Dukes of Hazzard Reunion, Grease, When Harry Met Sally, Pure Country, Soroity House Massacre, The Shining, Steven King, Lifetime Movies, What a Girl Wants, Sometimes i watch Porn, but to sum it all up i mostly like horror (The Gorrier the better for me)! I always cheer the killer on all the time while watching a horror movie!"

Lifetime movies? Pretty damn creepy flicks if I do say so myself.
Sometimes some porn? Maybe not weird, but pretty damn weird to share on a public profile. Wonder if his boss has seen that?
Mostly horror flicks, and always cheering for the killer? FUCKING CREEPY.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-18T14:35:00.002-04:00

If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is around to see it, does it make a sound?

Or, if I post a blog, will anyone read it anymore?

I have been on a big time hiatus. Started a new job. Practices on the couple nights I don't work late. Hanging with the lady friend. Busy busy busy.

Question is, is it worth my effort to revive this thing?

2008-09-25T02:39:00.001-04:00

I miss you. See you this Fall.

Unfortunate URLS

2008-08-16T10:07:00.005-04:00

Penile Implant (http://www.myspace.com/penileimplant)

huh???

STD Carrier (http://www.myspace.com/stdcarrier)

Thanks for the heads up.

Biggest Whore Ever (http://www.myspace.com/biggestwhoreever)

I'm surprised she only has 3 friends, then.

Bestiality (http://www.myspace.com/bestiality)

What the fuck is in the background??? "Hi. I'm bestiality, and I'm a John Lennon fan." Now you know why I like Paul.

Punkcock! (http://www.myspace.com/punkcock)

What does that mean, exactly?

Metal Cock (http://www.myspace.com/metalcock)

Genre cocks are apparently popular these days.

Thanks for the glitter graphics comment lady!

2008-08-16T09:35:00.003-04:00

Often times I come upon a real creep on myspace that I cannot write about because their profile is private. I try adding them with my personal page, or the band page, or whatever I can think of or come up with to trick them into letting me in. Every once in a while, it turns out I'm not cool enough to be friends with them, and they deny me. Luckily, this was not one of those cases. I present Mademoiselle Absinthe.

She claims to live, "in a teeny village in Northern Ireland."
I don't believe her.
If you read her about me, it is the usual fare. By that I mean, they say weird personal things about themselves and you wonder why the hell they would want to share such weirdness with people. Weirder still is this girl. Why? Her profile was private, so you think, "ok well she is only sharing it with her friends." The problem here though is not only is it weird to read as a stranger, it would be weird to be read as a friend considering the fact it is written as if to a stranger.
Does that make sense? Read it again.
Here is her "about me"
"Lonely little Irish girl who has recently come out of her shell in a BIG way. I want to travel and leave my boring little island ASAP. I am a self-confessed shopaholic and adore designer labels, high heel shoes and anything sparkly. I am a big fan of corsets particularly Agent Provocateur, Bayliss & Knight and Fairy GothMother. I'm a former goth who has blossomed into a burlesque glamour queen over this past year. As I've said fashion is my passion and I have a wardrobe to die for...seriously if it ever falls on someone they're a goner. Having recently cleaned out my shoe cupboard I found I had 78 pairs. A girl can never have too may heels though and I will wear all of them...eventually. "

Fashion is her passion, huh? Never heard a girl say that before. How original. Check out this siqq fashion:

Oh, by fashion you mean you like to pose in your bedroom in your undies. How. . . cutting edge.
I think she has about 100 pictures of herself (as well as some cheesy comment graphics) and maybe 2 of them feature her wearing anything other than lingerie.
There is a problem I noticed though:

Doesn't seem to make her terribly happy. Looks like she is still more Goth than Burlesque. Not that I am an expert, but that scowl looks decidedly Goth to me.

Usually the weirdos I find have at least one theme (besides underwear) going on that I find particularly funny, that they for some reason think is really fucking cool. In the past there was Rockin Ron and his backyard guitar shreddery, for example. For this chick, it is your average, every day. . .

Goth/Burlesque chick tied to a green obelisk theme. Yeah, that's normal.
Almost as normal as a girl finding the following picture and saying to herself, "oh, teehee, that is cute. I should put THAT one on my myspace:"

And:

I'll second the latter.

I think I am going to send this one to CNN and tell them I found the bride-corpse of Bigfoot:

2008-08-09T21:25:00.003-04:00

I was going to do a post about why I haven't done any recent posts. But then I remembered one of the first lessons I learned about writing when I was working towards my degree therein:
"The reader doesn't give a shit about you." (would someone PLEASE tell Dave Eggers this?)

So. Nevermind. Update soon.

Look out Mind Freak!!!

2008-07-28T14:21:00.003-04:00

It's Illusions by Vick.

The thing I like about this guy, is that he is undeniably weird, yet maintains a palatable sense of humor within his weirdness.

For example:

Weird.

Moderately funny ~~magician's~~ illusionist's joke.

Here he is with his wife. Nice wings. Got em in any other colors?

Why yes! I do!

I think the illusion here is that he can dance.

And this is what gets me every time:

This poor kid. There are apparently millions of mutant children out there, who are not being given the chance at a normal childhood because their parents are to damned weird to LET them have a normal childhood. Sorry little guy. Good luck explaining this picture when you inadvertently bring it in for show and tell, not knowing that its REALLY FUCKING WEIRD and NOT COOL because your parents have deluded you from birth. Poor, poor little guy.
Feel free to donate money to a fund I just started. I call it, "Raising Awareness for the Children of Mutants." I will probably just donate the money to the Humane Society, in hopes that this will make pets more accessible to the various mutants out there on Myspace. This way, instead of putting their children in costume, they can put their cat in costume instead:

So, if you want to save children by giving these creeps new outlets for their creativity, donate here:

In the end, I leave you with some of his observations from his blog.
"Why it is ..... UFOs, Aliens & Such

People who claim to have seen aliens really lack imagination,
why are the aliens always bi-peds who came here in a space ship?

Wouldn't aliens be as different from humans as humans are from horses, fish or birds?

and wouldn't a really advanced civilization be able to send themselves here via particle transmission or something we can't even conceive of?

and why are UFO's always attracted to trailer parks?"

Not bad questions, actually.

More Local Music

2008-07-28T14:07:00.003-04:00

I think when it comes to local music, I will primarily let things speak for themselves. I may be saying that now, though, because I haven't an explanation of my own for this:
Random acts of Retardation

Uncomfortable.

Hmm.

"Kitty Lita"

"Necro Poodle"

Hey. Your face is a different color as your neck.

Maybe reading the about me section will offer some help:
"is the heartwarming story of a crazy girl and a dead poodle. In 1984, while chasing paparazzi off Mick Rock's villa, Eno, the French Poodle, was tragically run down by a box truck delivering frozen meat patties. Behind the wheel, pursued by authorities, was Kitty Lita, well known meat interceptor, who, just that afternoon had robbed the local McRonald's burger joint. Earlier that same day she had escaped the Morningstar insane asylum where she spent many years as a patient (case study 913) suffering from catzophrenia. During the heated police pursuit, the devious vixen took an unfortunate turn and careened off the side of a cliff into the great below. Not even the specialized Swedish swimsuit model rescue squad could save her. Flash forward to CyberHell 3000 where Satron awaited his two new arrivals. Upon their admittance they were given the choice, either join the fight of the Dark Circuit and live as Kings (or Queens for that matter) or spend eternity in Cyberhell 3000's tech support unit as civil servants, for minimum wage. Sympathetic to our heroes plight, a civil servant by the name of King Krook daringly planned their escape. After being sprung from CyberHell 3000 the duo rejected assimilation, creating the world's greatest undead Electro Pop act. "
Nope.

And, for the fans:

Coming soon. . .

2008-07-27T21:29:00.002-04:00

Local Music Mutants. Local bands that I think either suck, are lame, or are hilarious.

First line of business? Red is Recovery:

What.
The.
Fuck.
Are.
They.
Doing?

Someone call Crocket and Tubbs. . .

2008-07-25T15:38:00.004-04:00

Its "$$$the vice$$$"

Good thing he used those dollar signs, they are really um. . . eye catching.
$$$the vice$$$ claims to be from lomme city rocker, mars
Mongolia. I really don't know what that means, but I think it means he is probably just really fucking weird. He also plays in a band called, "Rodeo Superstars,Inc." which is apparently his primary gig. He also plays in "Bad Trip Bad Taste." Those have to be two of the lamest band names I have ever heard.
He claims "i come from mars city rocker,mitterie section.59666" which I can only take to mean he is part of some strange doomsday cult. We will probably see him on the news one day soon wearing his clown make up, and rocking out in front of a bunch of drones while they kill themselves because the God Mars has returned to the Earth (or so they believe.)
Actually, now that I think of it, that sounds pretty fucking rad. Let's cross our fingers!
You might be asking yourself, "Well, who would he like to meet? Me perhaps???" so here you go:
"c.palanhiuk,g.w.bush,sarkozy,drugz dealers"
C.Palanhiuk, hmmm. . . I think he meant, "Palahniuk," and I am glad he mentioned it.

Dear kids,
Palahniuk is not special. He writes cheesey novels that are dark or weird for the trite novelty of being dark or weird. He got lucky, and someone decided they wanted to cast Brad Pitt and Ed Norton to be part of a movie recreation of one of his novels thus thrusting him into the literary limelight of Generation Y. Were it not for this "cool" movie none of you would probably have ever read anything by him, nor continued to read him beyond that novel.
Put down "Choke" and go to Barnes and Noble, and buy a book by a real author. If you would like a suggested reading list of 20th century authors who are better than Palahniuk, please email me at: kyleraker@gmail.com.

Regards,
Kyle R. Raker

I feel much better now.

Another thing I find really trite (besides his affinity for authors of books adopted to hit-movies) on his page is this:

Wow. Cool. Mealworms in a condom. Man, that'll fuck em up when they see that! (Whoever the fuck the they is he is feebly trying to shock.)

Or, how about this pic?

Yeah dude, make me look totally dead and shit.

Or:

Oooh, I am in a tub filled with bloood. I am glorifying suicide. I am so fucking RAD!!!

Please. Stop making music. Stop doing anything in public. Just go to Macy's and buy a couple polos and a pair of jeans, and do your best to sink into anonymity. It is the best thing for everyone. Retard.
And, in case any of you doubt me, I give you. . . the music:
http://www.myspace.com/rodeosuperstarsinc

ps: You might like it if you are into Marilyn Manson, NIN, or anything else that people who wear black jnco jeans and big chains likes these days. But, that is all there is to it- watered down attempts at capturing a sound and image that has long since faded, being replaced by the douchebags in My Chemical Romance.

What better place to seek out your lost confidence than Myspace???

2008-07-18T14:29:00.004-04:00

Probably no better place, when your name is suhlut.

Now, if I am not mistaken, that is pronounced "Suhhh-Lut," as in "Slut" being pronounced with a bit of extra enthusiasm.

I have to admit, this is the first time I have ever encountered a fat chick calling herself a slut. Which reminds me. . . I was looking at her pictures. Guys, here is a bit of advice for you:
If a girl seems just a bit too friendly on myspace, and her pictures look like this:

. . .it is because she is a fucking fat ass with no self-confidence. STAY AWAY!!!
Remember what William Congreve said:
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
If you aren't careful (i.e. if it isn't obvious to you if she is skinny, she is fat, if you don't get that, you aren't being careful,) you will ultimately find out she is fat the hard way, and learn the true meaning of that oft-quoted phrase.3

I realllly like her "About Me" section:
"To pick up beautiful myspace boys: Hey... I might not be the cutest one here... but I am the only one talking to you."

In other words:
"I am here to pick up dudes on myspace: Hey. . . I am fat, but you're obviously desperate if you are trying to pick up chicks on Myspace anyways. Sup?"

Even better is her "Music" section:
"i like hardcore music. way to be different eh? yes well whatever. um. yes. i also like some emo, when in the right mood for it. mostly i just want to scream, therefore hardcore is in order. i like soundtracks to certain movies too. i cant devulge the main movie, because its not mainstream enough for you people, and i want to keep it as underground as possible."

Well. She likes hardcore. Why? Because, she mostly wants to scream. Duh.
The sad part though is the "i like soundtracks to certain movies too. i cant devulge the main movie, because its not mainstream enough for you people, and i want to keep it as underground as possible" part. She be serious. . . can she???

I think so, because this is what she has to say about her favorite movies:
"i like ones about music, drugs, sex, hate, and fiction."

Oh. She likes movies about "FICTION."
So. Uh. She likes nearly every movie ever made. Cool.

Had to throw that one in.

I am also getting extremely irritated by the background on her profile: Two Pistols. Which seems to be a running theme for her. I guess this is one of her so-called friends:

Hey cliche? Sup?
Speaking of cliches. . . here is a picture of her general interests:

Murray's Pomade? Check.
Bright red lipstick? Check.
Allusion to a rock icon she probably rarely listens to? Check.
Cigarettes? Check.
Auquanet, to show how 80's she is? Check.
Too big sunglasses, to show how glamourus she is? Check.
ANOTHER FUCKING PISTOL? Check.
Q-Tips? No clue.

I have been saving the highlight, for last, though.
Her blog, entitled. . .
"I used to be hot."
Wow. Really? Well. . . here you go:

"I USED TO BE H O T.
Current mood: shittyyyy.

FUCK being sick.

FUCK taking 80 bajillion pills a day.

FUCK no one caring.

FUCK work.

FUCK school.

FUCK everyone.

FUCK california.

FUCK guys.

all fucking lame.

i wish i was how i used to be. looked and felt. seriously. every day just sucks now. ugh."

Um. Step one to recovery? Stop taking 80 bajillion pills a day, dummy.

Monkey in the middle. . .

2008-07-16T14:56:00.007-04:00

You know what I find incredibly stupid/annoying? People who give themselves a Myspace name and then add "TM" at the end (if Tom had done that, would someone have stolen his nickname? We will never know. . .). What is worse than that? Someone giving himself two Myspace nicknames, and two "TM"s, like this guy:
MenaCe™ (DUDE in the MIDDLE™)

It would appear his real (untrademarked) name is Martin Yi. And, apparently he takes his "DUDE in the MIDDLE™" moniker very seriously, as evidenced by his photos:

As you can see, he has lots and lots of pictures of him in the middle.

You might think I am jealous, or something. I assure you, I am not. His life "in the middle" is probably much akin to being impotent: you can look all you want, but you can't do a damn thing about it.
Sadly, I am sure most of these girls would introduce him as, "Menace! He's my little brother from another mother!"
I am sure that does wonders for his ego, hence his need to overcompensate by posting a myriad of pictures of himself with half-naked women.

He is a "CLUB PROMOTER and MODEL/GOGO DANCER manager." In other words, he does his best to make money off of other people's club nights and make money off of other people's (questionable) talent. Way to go MARTIN!

I started reading dude's blogs. . . and started getting REAL confused.
"

yeah I'm talking to you...
Current mood: anxious

ok so if ur reading this... I'm flattered...again*to whom this may concern* now let me ask you something for reals..

why is it.. that I gave you something worth keeping and then you give it back?

ok I kinda understand. well then I say nah its kul keep it, and you say ok wutever... and then u still give it back???

is my gift that worthless???

*now if you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about...then this doesn't concern you*

*if you do know what I'm talking about...please answer my question*

thanks so much,
menace aka dude in the middle...

p.s. just another time for menace to vent"

Huh? So. . . you gave someone something, then they gave it back, but you said, "its kul" so they kept it but then gave it back? Or are speaking metaphorically about something non-physical?
I don't f'ng get it either way.

And finally, he has one last blog especially for people like me:
"

about one of my entries before..

this is about my dear good friend sam(FAN OR HATER) read that before you read this....

anyways... i hope your doing well.. and it just came across my mind cause i do still get a few hate mail here and there from others. i dont know if these people try to start shit with me just so i can message back. nahhh its a totally waste of time for me. SO IF YOU PLAN TO HATE ON ME... dont even waste ur time writing me a message..ahaha pointless..

so those people that think they are HARD(thuggish, gangsterish) behind a MONITOR....GROW UP~! hahahahahha

BANGIN' ONLINE is like winning the SPECIAL OLYMPICS... even tho you win...UR STILL RETARDED~!

peace out bitches..catch yall on the flip side"

Well, I may be retarded according to him (that was an original quip if I ever read one. . .) Oh well. I do have one more question though. . .

I have noticed several of the people I have written about talk about haters, etc. Don't you think if they keep getting messages from people "hating" on them, they might want to think about why they keep getting these messages?

And now. . . for the truly strange.

2008-07-16T11:48:00.003-04:00

In case any of you were looking, this girl is "Selling my Magic the Gathering Cards." She also is the owner of a rather unfortunate URL: DEVILS CONCUBINE http://www.myspace.com/devilzconcubine .

Ok. Her real name appears to be Crystal Posser, or so it says. And I guess she is selling her Magic the Gathering cards. She has a kid now, so I guess she had to find someway to support him.
And. . . look at that kid. Closely. Doesn't he look a little old to be wearing a diaper? Something isn't right here, but I don't know what, exactly.

Think for yourself. Do what you feel. Tommy Dice. Keeps it real. . .

2008-07-16T10:53:00.005-04:00

Those words of wisdom are compliments of Tommy Dice and The Hardcores.

(Notice they are reppin' Boston)

This band was first brought to my attention by a friend of mine whose name is. . .
Tom Dice.
So, not only is this band really fucking bad, the lead guy couldn't even come up with a unique nickname (although to make himself unique he capitalizes one of the letters! clever!)
See? here is Tom Dice:

(yes, I had to choose that picture. It's myspacemutants.)

and here is Tom DiCe:

He is even copying the pose!

Now that I have that figured out, I'd like to move on to the music. This guy has the worst guitar tone on earth, it sounds like he is playing out of a Line 6 amp:

(for those that don't know, Line 6 products attempt to recreate the tone of classic guitar amps digitally, and they often sound like shit.)
I can't really make fun of the riffs or anything though, it just is what it is. But my God. That guitar! I can't listen to it.
Then I thought to myself, "well, maybe they sound better live," so I went to youtube.com and looked them up. And. . .

I don't know what is better:
-The fact that within 15 seconds the guys in the crowd are laughing at this dude, or
-Tommy DiCe's rapper moves.
And no, they are not better live.
At least they look cool. . .

A few more unfortunate URLS for you. Again. . .

2008-07-15T16:35:00.001-04:00

HIV Positive (http://www.myspace.com/hivpositive)

Yeah. Um. Own it, girl.

Crooked Dick (http://myspace.com/crookeddick)

Really? If I ever have a son, he will not shotput.

I Eat Rats (http://www.myspace.com/ieatrats)

Wow. I think this guy may end up with his own entry. . .

I Will Murder (http://www.myspace.com/iwillmurder)

Sure you will, buddy. Sure you will.

The IMPREGNATOR!!! (http://www.myspace.com/theimpregnator)

I am always amazed when I find that these urls actually exist. What are these people thinking???

Hey, don't ask me. I don't get this shit either.

2008-07-15T15:07:00.004-04:00

Look out X-Tina, here comes Kristina, AKA Tinaec.

Jesus, please forgive me for this.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS.

This profile was sent to me by one of my girlfriend's co-workers.
WHAT THE FUCK.
I don't even know what she is saying. I don't think she is even hitting any notes that are on a scale yet discovered by mankind.
In fact, I just came up with a new name for the musical scale on which she sings: Tina Suxor.
It isn't anything like G Major, or A Minor. It is an entity unto itself in that it resembles neither in any way shape or form and is thus not comparable whatsoever. The Tina Suxor scale does share one major trait with traditional musical scales, in that like the traditional musical scales, it includes SOUNDS.

This is one of those profiles that I come upon, and my jaw literally drops. Is it a joke? Is it real?
After much effort, I have determined this girl is serious. Worse yet, I think her parents are actually encouraging this. . . COME ON MOM AND DAD!!! YOUR KID SUCKS!!!
Do they not realize what they are doing to this poor girl? They are, in effect, encouraging her to become a pariah. They have to know she sucks; love may be blind, but it sure as hell ain't deaf. I actually think her parents are rather cruel. Yeah. I bet they get a big kick out of sitting back and watching these videos, just like the rest of us. This is social abuse. They are socially abusing their child, by ruining her chances of any potentially normal social encounter.
Someone call Department of Children and Families, please.

Here is an excerpt from her "About Me" section:
"She doesn't like haters, and thinks they are nasty. And if she gets a record contract soon then she hopes to write about love and understanding to help overturn the hate community online. She is a christian, and believes in God and Jesus."

Woops. Sorry, Tina.

Is it wrong that I think it is un-Christian of her to keep singing?

This girl is just plain bizarre, I am at a loss. I cannot explain her.

I guess she did a video in which she is wearing a night gown, in turn showing some skin. In true Miley Cyrus fashion, she apologizes to us all here:

Right.

Don't EVER show your tits again.

I leave you with this, my favorite of her videos:

SERIOUSLY???

2008-07-09T16:56:00.003-04:00

"Hey. What's up? I'm Rockstar from Myspace. You may have heard of me; I am kind of a big deal."

The ultimate in douchebaggery is the guys who have never played an instrument in their life, but do everything they can to make it look like they have. In example, this guy. Let's imagine, if we will, the fateful day he created his current persona (before, of course, discussing his potential past personas.)

Rockstar: Hey Mona, I wanna reinvent myself.
Mona, the Hairstylist: Ok, like. . . how?
Rockstar: I dunno. Something. . . cool?
Mona: How about a cowboy?
Rockstar: No, I did that when Billy Ray Cyrus got popular.
Mona: Hmmm. . . how about hip hop?
Rockstar: Nah, I did that when Eminem was popular.
Mona: Ok, how abouttt. . . a jock?
Rockstar: Nah, too obvious. Look at me, I AM a jock.
Mona: Yeah, you're right. Why don't you try becoming. . . A ROCKSTAR???
Rockstar: Holy shit! That's it. I can have like, spikey hair and shit. Like a mohawk, but not really a mohawk, because I ain't no fucking queer. And bleach my hair, some. I won't look gay will I?
Mona: No way, you'll look so hot!
Rockstar: Should I do the makeup thing like Tommy Lee and Bret Michaels? That won't make me gay, will it?
Mona: No way, you'll look so hot!

And so, Rockstar was born.
He lives in Atlanta, though I doubt he has called it Atlanta in years; when you're a rockstar, you live in HOTlanta.
It is kind of hard to learn much about the guy, he doesn't tell you anything- just dumps a lot of pictures down and basically says, "What's up? I am a God Damned Rockstar, and here are the gratuitous pictures of me with BITCHES to prove it!"

He apparently has something in some way to do with some magazine called, "Armada Magazine," AKA the shittiest magazine ever.
I went to the website, and was greeted by. . . more promotional crap for more crappy club nights at crappy clubs with shitty people! Well, they are all crappy with the exception of CIRQUE. Cirque is described on the flyer as, "a sexy crazy funky cool naughty little night!"
Damn that is a lot of adjectives! It must be cool. Here is the flyer:

Seriously though. Armada is not a magazine, it is a promotional prop for their lame ass "nights" at whatever club is dumb enough to look at Rockstar and think, "Damn! This dude is the real deal!!!"

It sucks he doesn't give me much more to go on than his pictures, because I bet if he actually SAID anything on this page, it would be f'ng hilarious.
Which got me thinking. What if he put captions under each of his pictures? I wonder what they would say? Or, better yet, what is he thinking while the picture is being taken? Here:

"Good thing I remembered to go to the tanning bed. This guy looks pasty."

"Ok, purse my lips. . . raise eyebrows. Look cool in front of the DJ. . . Damn I am hot."

"Ok, purse my lips. . . raise my eyebrows. Man, I gotta remember: Real rockstars always look better next to old dudes."

"Ok, purse my lips. . . raise my eyebrows. Man, I wish this girl would leave me alone. I wanna pose with more dudes."

Rockstar: "Ok, purse my lips. . . raise my. . .OH FUCK IT! This guy is georgeous, look at him!!! (points finger)
Other dude: "Who is this dweeb, and why is he pointing at me?"

"Man this guy is such a NERD. People say we look alike- I don't get it."

"I wish this girl had a dick."

More unfortunate URLS for you. . .

2008-07-03T19:05:00.004-04:00

Pee In My Butt (http://www.myspace.com/peeinmybutt)

Disturbed much?

I Am a Plague (http://www.myspace.com/iamaplague)

Don't be so hard on yourself, buddy.

I Eat Placenta (http://myspace.com/ieatplacenta)

Trippy.

My Dad Beats Me (http://www.myspace.com/mydadbeatsme)

Is he protecting you? If so, he looks way more scared of your dad than you are. . .

Anal Virgin (http://www.myspace.com/analvirgin)

This guy is such a liar.

Make him come where? Hot Topic???

2008-07-03T17:26:00.006-04:00

I would like to introduce you to, "MAKE ME CUM" :

The kid is only 17, so I won't be too hard on him. Besides, what do I really know about him, right? Just what he wants me to know.
And what he wants me to know is clear.
He is a punk. See?
"Im a punk in oviedo its a shitty town in florida, i like to listin to punk rock music, i like burning things, and trashing things and going to punk rock show"
He squeezed the word "punk" into one run on sentence 3 times. Pretty impressive.
I went to his page and was greeted by The Exploited.
And I cannot decide what is more disturbing:
-That he proudly proclaims that he likes to burn things.
- That he lists GG Allin as one of his heroes.

- Or the combustible combination of the two.

At least we know one thing for sure. Nobody has to worry about him getting too smart for his own good, because he has this to say about reading:
"Books: fuck reading"

Yep. Fuck reading.

Oh, and he has The Casualties in his Top 8.

MORE MOHAWKZZZ!!!

Actually, looking at his page made me curious as to what, "old school" punk bands now had merch available at Hot Topic, as I am sure that is where he learned of them.

So, I was cruising through the shirts when I discovered something horrible. Something so vile, that they make this kid decidedly fucking rad.
They are called, "The Devil Wears Prada." I was about to start a whole seperate entry on them, but then I realized they would come after this kid, ruining the segue. So unfortunately more Mr. MAKE ME CUM and his Hot Topic Punk self, he is going to be forced to share an entry with a band that may actually make him say "MAKE ME PUUUUKE."

Well, here they are:

6 members. What do they think they are, a ska band???

And look!!! They have the same fucking haircuts as ever other fashion-core/emo-core outfit flowing out of Hot Topic these days:

You have the "faux-hawk," the "Link" (as it was dubbed by the Defame: Orlando blog,) and a couple of the over-grown-mop-tops. . . all replete with the special touch of the ubiquitous razor-comb.
and, they have song names like, "HTML Rules d00d."
Seriously? How can a band list their genres as "Hardcore" and "Metal" and name a song that?

Color me old, but I think it is bands like this that are everything wrong with commercial music these days. I think if I had a kid and he came home looking like these guys, I would wash the eyeliner off his face, cut his hair into a mohawk, and make him listen to the playlist on "MAKE ME CUM's" myspace profile the rest of the night.

I haven't forgotten. . .

2008-07-01T20:19:00.001-04:00

I haven't forgotten about this place. So chill out. I have been way busy, between going out of town and job-hunting and crap.
I have a couple special people coming up soon. Here is a preview:

AND This Guy:

Rockin Ron

2008-06-25T08:53:00.005-04:00

"Hey Rockin Ron! What are you up to?"

"Nothing much. Just rocking out in my backyard! \m/ "

His Myspace headline is, "If I had one wish , you know , what that wish would be," and he is right, I do know what that wish would be: for a backyard amplifier for that sweet backyard guitar he is clearly playing.
I don't think it is enough to just look at this picture. You really have to think about it. Rockin Ron and a friend, we'll call his friend Photographin Pete, got together one day (drinking Miller High Life) and decided that Rockin Ron needed and appropriately rockin photo. Here is a re-enactment:
Photographin Pete- Hey Rockin Ron, man, you need a new myspace picture. The one of you playing guitar indoors is boring.
Rockin Ron- Yeah, you're right Photographin Pete. What can we do to show how Rockin I am?
PP- Take off your shirt.
RR- AND DO IT IN THE BACKYARD?
PP- Hell yeah, man. HELL YEAH!

And so, the above photo was birthed.

Reading his about me section, I got some seriously sage words of advice:
"If it Rocks = IT ROCKS !!!"
If it rocks equals IT ROCKS!!!.

This makes me wonder, if I were to ask him what he thinks of the first Black Label Society album, would he say "IT ROCKS!!!" or would he say, "If it rocks" ?

I am pretty disappointed this guy has his photos as private. I bet he has some real gems.
I am also pretty worried I may have some serious competition on the blogging world when it comes to this guy. . . if people start reading his blog, they may lose interest in mine. Here is a sample entry:

Title: Oh ,,, that hurt !!!

Entry: I accidentally bumped my windshield with my guitar case. I didn't even hit it hard. Kinda like, a tap. However that "tap" busted the glass. And that's not cool.

You're right Ron, that is not cool at all.

And finally, some of his general interests:
"Listening to loud music , playing guitar 2 loud , and Ford Mustangs!!!"

Hidden Talent

2008-06-19T15:12:00.002-04:00

AKA Talent so well hidden, I can't find it anywhere on her page.
I present "* Arainia *,"

a not so talented musician from Underground DC, wherever the hell Underground DC is. (clearly it is not far enough underground, because if it were, I wouldn't be able to hear this crap.)

This girl makes horrible music, and she loves it. In fact, she loves it so much I feel bad calling it horrible. I feel like I am calling a baby ugly, knowing that the mother still loves him despite his cleft palate.

I am sure by now, you are wondering just what sort of music this young lady makes (btw- judging by her main pic, I really want to forward her profile to our old friend "lik lik lik lyke a lolipop!lol"), and I want to go ahead and let you know. It is eclectic: Alternative / Hip Hop / Funk .
God how I wish I could ask her in person how she would describe her music. Let's pretend we are asking her now:
Me: How would you describe this crap.
Her: ahah You don't mean that. You don't think it is crap.
Me: Yes I do.
Her: hahaha, you're so funny.
Me: Huh?
Her: Well, I guess I imagine it sort of liiiiike, if The Red Hot Chilli Peppers had Girl Power, they would sound like this.
Me: You're probably right.

I knew I was definitely in pure musical hell when I realized she had somehow managed to not only attack us sonically, but visually, too. By that I mean. . . MUSIC VIDEOZZZ!!!
Good word. Is she SERIOUS?

WICKED BOUNCE!!!

Highlights:

Random timpani hit (for the unitiated, that is the cartooney boing sound) interspersed throughout the song at seemingly random intervals.
Her and some little kids doing some kind of choreographed dance in the park
Some dude falling off of a swing at the very end.

Let's not stop there, though! She was also kind enough to post her video for another song.

UR KIND!!!

Uh. Ha.

You might think that your creepy crawling up to the camera at the start of the video is "sexy" or "Sassy" or "saucey," but it is in fact FUCKING CREEPY.
Why are there random shots of you slapping your ass? Is that some strange form of percussive emphasis?
You are tone deaf.
Doubling up vocal tracks in no way covers up your tone deafness.
The doubled/tripled vocal tracks don't even match up. That is not a delay effect; that is a mistake.
Wait a second. . . I just got to the 1:44 mark. . .

Here are the lyrics at that point:
"You may not like my music/ and that's ok with me/ but do you have to be so hateful/ and why are you so angry/ don't waste your time/ I'm not ur kind"

Shit. I am so busted.

The RZA

2008-06-18T11:16:00.001-04:00

You ain't no Ray Charles, homey.

BONE SAW ! ! !

2008-06-18T10:29:00.004-04:00

Today's subject is a guy from Orlando who calls himself, "BONE SAW":

His name is Eli, and he lives in Orlando, FL.
Right off the bat, you know he is not to be fucked with, because his headline says, "FUCK Y'ALL", with the all caps being the key indicator that he is serious. Really FUCKING SERIOUS.
When you scroll down to his "About Me" section, you get this:

"FUCK WORK"
What does all of that even mean? Does he consider himself to be a dirty ass ashtray, surrounded by pristine Mac Laptops? One part I do get, is the "FUCK WORK" part, which explains why this is who he would like to meet:

He would like to meet an ugly chick in a halo. Fuck work, he wants charity sex.

And then, to top it off, he lists his SN: "AIM - pwn3dn000b"
My guess is that World of Warcraft Aficionados everywhere hate his guts for stealing that SIQQ screenname. I wonder if he gets hate messages from them.

Roaming around his page further, I found a youtube video of him wearing. . . a HALO???

The question is, did he break his neck? Or does he just wear that in hopes of attracting some sweet broken necked babes?
I then read his music section. This is what he listens to:
"crucial taunt, the sons of thunder, the shitty beetles, the lone rangers, the oneders."
Crucial Taunt? WTF? As in "Wayne's World?"
I realized this meant his Music section warranted further research.
Here are links to each band:
Crucial Taunt
The Sons of Thunder
The Shitty Beetles
The Lone Rangers
The Oneders
They are all fictional movie bands with the exception of The Sons of Thunder, who describe themselves as a Gospel Quartet.

Gospel Quartet.

His favorite bands are either bands that don't exist, or a band that sings about a dude that died 2000 years ago. (No offense Jesus,

And, what the hell is he doing here?

editors note: "Bone Saw" is a friend of mine, and he has an excellent sense of humor. Thanks, man.

I guess on Myspace, you really can be anyone you want to be. . .

2008-06-17T18:47:00.004-04:00

I am pretty sure many of you remember, "lik lik lik lyke a lolipop!lol" from one of my previous blogs. Here is a photo for those who do not:

Well, I had every intention of doing an entire blog ( I choose the wording "entire blog" after realizing that "in depth analysis" or "full review" just sounded disgusting when coupled with that raunchy Myspace photo) on this guy, but unfortunately, despite the weird ass main pic, his page is rather boring. Go check it out for yourself when you're done here. All I can really tell you about him is that he wants to meet "sexi niggas" and that his favorite movies are 28 Weeks Later. . . and Porn ( "lol").
Fortunately for all of us, he (unsurprisingly) has some odd characters in his top friends. Primarily, this guy:

Reginald, AKA "Da Poporazzi Made Me Famous! Thank You Hoe's."
OK. "Thank You Hoe's."
Thank you Hoe's what?
Thank you Hoe's bitches? Thank you Hoe's efforts? Thank you Hoe's expository column about you in a well known tabloid?
Who is Hoe, and what is it that Hoe possesses that lead the poporazzi [sic] to make him famous?
Fucking idiot. Seriously. Everyday I think longer and harder about becoming an English teacher, because obviously these kids need some help.
Well. I thought the guy was an idiot when I read that, but I quickly realized he is probably just drunk. How do I know this? By reviewing his General Interests, of course. Here they are:

That is a pretty brutal array of alcohol right thurr. No wonder he is having trouble keeping his apostrophes in line. Not to mention, this is his favorite book (??? WHAT BOOK IS THIS ??? ):

So apparently, when he is not getting wasted, he is getting high on reading.

One of the more unfortunate effects of his drinking and smoking is perhaps most readily apparent when it comes to his taste in women; he is 5'8" and "slim/slender" like myself, but his taste varies quite a bit from my own.
According to his about me section, this is what he likes in a lady:

Favourite Eye Color:

hazel

Favourite Hair Color:

black

Short or Long Hair:

don't matter

Height:

5'8-6'6

Weight:

140-200 lbs

6'6" 200lbs. To put that in perspective, that is roughly how big a young Michael Jordan was when he entered the NBA.
Does he want a girlfriend, or does he want good genes for building baby Michael Jordans? That is a tall lady.
I know he definitely doesn't need her for protection, though, as Reggie is a member of THE COUSINS GOON SQUAD!!!

Look the fuck out, ladies and gentleman.

Jay Leno caught posing as a teenaged girl in Spain.

2008-06-16T18:37:00.003-04:00

Apparently bored with being a post-middle-aged lackluster late night television host, Leno created the myspace persona, "♔ ☆ Leire ☆ ♔ PeRvErTeD"
Do not ask me what the hell that name means exactly, because I have no clue.
Actually, I have no clue what most of this page says, because it is all in Spanish. Very clever, Jay.

Warning ladies- He is a bad boi.

2008-06-12T15:31:00.002-04:00

No really. His Myspace says so: imma naughty boi add me.

So this is the second person I have made fun of from Myspace that spells "boy" as "boi."
The last one was Peter Pan.
This guy's profile was private, so in order to gain full access to his profile, I had to add him as a friend. Lucky for me, he readily accepted. (WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME???)
You may be wondering where I found him. Well, I found him here.
He isn't very interesting really, beyond his Myspace moniker. Here is the proof:
"

Name:

micheal

Your Weakness:

light skin gurls lol

Your Bedtime:

wat!

Weight:

not sloppy looking

"
Wat?
What the fuck is WAT?
This guy may not be able to spell, but one thing I need to give him credit for, is the fact that he has standards (aside from the fact he accepted me as his Myspace friend.)
His headline lets you know right up front what the rules are to be his friend:
"LADIEZ IM DAT NIGGA DAT U CALL TO GET YO PUSSY WET DONT ADD ME UNLESS U GOIN TO HOLD A CONVERSATION OR SHOW LUV CUZ I WILL DELETE U .. "

Hopefully he will be deleting me soon, if I don't delete him first. Because I haven't left him a comment yet.

I am going to leave you with some of his profile pictures, since he is private and you cannot see them:

and of course:
.

Best thing about that picture?
The fact that this guy:
, AKA
lik lik lik lyke a lolipop!lol (obviously a future blog subject) commented on the picture saying, "mmmm dat dick look huge!"
Wow. That is awful open-minded of Bad Boi to leave a comment from a guy saying that about his schlong up. . .

He is THE best MC/ Host alive. . . and I found him!

2008-06-12T08:32:00.005-04:00

Today I want you all to meet, "BANG BANG a.k.a Anthony." I will call him Bang Bang for short, due in large part to the fact that is the most retarded nickname anyone could ever give themselves.

Is he a gun? Or is he just the sound guns make?
I don't get it.
Bang Bang comes to us from Long Island, NY- surprisingly a hotbed of douchebaggery if I were to judge it solely by his friends list.
I happened upon his profile months ago, and saved it because I knew one day it would come in handy. I have to admit I was a little bit letdown today when I re-visited his profile:
He is no longer single.
This dude was such a stud. He had pictures of himself with a myriad of but-her-faces doing all sorts of moronic things.
Lucky for me, he is still narcissistic enough to post tons of pictures of moronic pictures of himself.
To prove this, here are a few of his pictures, below which I will post "What he is thinking. . ."

"Damnnnn boy. Ima name myself after dat ASS!"

"I hope everyone notices the anal beads in my right hand. THAT'S whats up."

"Yo ladies! I sleep naked. With fur under me."

Too explicit for me to post.

"Shit. I knew I shouldn't have given her a roofie before I put her in the bubble bath."

Self-explanatory.

"Look! Lens-flare! I just got photoshop!"

"Guys! Look what happens when you wear your jeans in the tanning bed! Fuckin' A!"

"I'm the Michael JORDAN of pimpin' bitches!"

???

Nice matching pink hat and shirt. In case you were wondering how he can afford such fly gear, it is because his income is $250,000 or higher. Damn son. You really must be the best MC alive.
I questioned his ability to relate to the masses, actually, until I saw this video:

Yeah. He knows how to get his point across. Best MC ever.
Btw, his GF would like to leave all of you ladies with a parting thought:

This guy openly claims he should be in an asylum.

2008-06-06T12:37:00.004-04:00

Hello all. Meet, "Strangers have the best Candy..." , an apparent victim of what Henry David Thoreau once described as the, "black arts" of the American Government ( go here, and read "Civil Disobedience, it is in paragraph 4), and by that I mean, "behold a marine, such a man as an American government can make, or such as it can make a man with its black arts — a mere shadow and reminiscence of humanity, a man laid out alive and standing, and already, as one may say, buried under arms with funeral accompaniments, though it may be. . ."

I quote Thoreau here not because I am apt to quote Thoreau, but rather because I think this kid has read "Civil Disobedience" one too many times, and identifies a bit too much with the passage I have quoted. You know the type: anti-authority, thinks they are way more clever than they really are, wants to run off to live in the woods like the kid in, "Into The Wild."

I don't know much about him, but I did gather from one of his blogs that he once served in the military:
"My emotional state is back to as it was before I was out of the military."

That would be from his blog entitled, "Babblings of a should-be asylum inmate."

Honestly, in a way I feel a bit sorry for the guy, though that does not change the fact he definitely fits in on this blog. Honestly. This is a public profile. Why, why, why would you want anyone in the general public, who knows you or who does not, to read that you think you should be an "asylum inmate?"
I don't understand why he can't be more like his buddy, " {HHN} Blaqsmyth the Lover " :

He seems so positive. He is the Lover. (although now that I have seen that guys profile, I think I am going to end up doing a blog on him, too, soon. )

Oh well.
Perusing his page, I am finding that there are a number of gems to be found. For example, he took the following quiz:
"SLIPKNOT
AWSUME UR ONE OF THE GREATEST ROCK BANDS EVER! THEY KICK ASS! U LIKE LOUD MUSIC AND LIKE TO HEADBANG! U HATE PRESIDENT BUSH AND I DONT BLAME U!!!"

Yeah!!!

Believe it or not, though, it does get weirder, as he has more creepy shit to show us that you wouldn't think any person would want to make public:

Great. He is a potentially suicidal government trained killing machine with an affinity for Hitler, and he listens to Slipknot.
Honestly, I am considering trying to have this dude Baker-Acted myself.
I leave you with the aforementioned blog, in its entirety:
"

Babblings of a should-be asylum inmate

In order of their appearance...

Sometimes I want to beat myself to a bloody pulp.

Why do people aqs how you are if they don't care?

My emotional state is back to as it was before I was out of the military.

My boss is being an asshole cecause either he doesn't like me or he's jealous.

My paranoia is becoming more severe and fequent every passing week and the shakes are getting worse and worse.

The self mutilation is not lasting as long in keeping my head clear as it used to. This must be how a drug addict gets started... they grow imune to the release it gives and must find something else. I'm afraid of what will be next. I know I need help but I cannot do it.

I get mad at myself for getting mad at others. I know people are ignorant. I know people are idiotic. I know people are assholes. I know people are selfish. I know people are blind.

I normally wake up fine but as the day progresses, my emotional state gets worse..."

Holy shit! A REAL LIVE WITCH!!!

2008-06-06T12:00:00.001-04:00

That's right folks! His name is steve and according to his "About Me" section, he is "a 4th generation Hereditary Witch living in Essex." I am uncertain if living in Essex makes him any witchier, by the way.

Additionally, in case you did not notice, his Myspace URL is "myspace.com/hornedgod69." That is Horned God 69.
OK.

Perhaps one of the best things about this saucy 38 year old witch hailing from Essex is that he is a walking advertisement for NOT liking Avenged Sevenfold, My Chemical Romance, HIM, and Inkubus Sukkubus (whoever the hell that is,) as these are some of his favorite bands.
Lord (ha) knows nobody wants to have their favorite bands align with this guy's.
One slightly redeeming quality?
His profile song is Slipknot. Right.

There is one thing that I always love, and that is a Brit with bad grammar. Why? Well, I am jealous. They simply speak better than American's. Even a dumb Brit often sounds more articulate than an average American. It is just a fact.
Steve, however, has bad grammar and as such he has ingratiated himself to me. Check out his favorite movies:
"The Crow any Goth,horror and british gangster. None of this American shit where they think their gangsters"
their. . .
It is THEY'RE you idiot. And we all are gangstas, and we will bully your ass on the internet.
There. I think that sounded suitably American.

I leave you with a picture of Steve the Witch, his fiance', and his fiance's son Aaron. And, I ask you this:
What do you think Aaron's real dad thinks of Steve the Witch after seeing this picture?

I can't wait to find his Tinkerbell. . .

2008-06-05T09:03:00.003-04:00

Ahhh. Peter Pan. I am sure many of you have seen this guy before. Hell, he was my friend on Friendster. Our standards were so much lower back then.
So what's the deal?

Well, this guy is for real. From what I have been told by friends in Tampa, he will actually don this outfit and head down to Ybor City (which makes me think of The Senator. . . what is it with Tampa?) and gal avant. Or whatever it is Peter Pans do.
In all honesty I feel sorry for the guy, yet I have an inkling of respect for him considering he has no shame for who he is. He is 54, and wears green tights, does spritely leaps in the air for photo-ops and is looking for "his tinkerbell."
He also makes music. In fact, remembering how odd his music was, I decided to research Friendster (truly an old school mutant) and find him. Lo and behold, I do find him. And it says that he now lives. . .
In Winter Park!!!
Why the FUCK does he not go out downtown in Orlando? It just is not fair. Perhaps it is because he is too busy "at the office."

Or, maybe I am wrong, that could be his studio. Here is his album cover (I am serious, btw):

And go here to hear his songs.

Here he is at Skyventure, right here in Orlando, FL:

Now, I am sure you have already guessed that this guy couldn't possibly limit his immense talent to just making music. With hair like that, you know he is hiding far more ideas in that noggin of his. Indeed he is. He is also a fashion designer!!! (will someone please put his ass on Project Runway???)
The guy makes his own Peter Pan outfits. Ok. But, he does not stop there, as he has designed several other persona's for you to consider:
"Little Lord Fauntleroy, Black and Burgundy!" , available in Black or burgundy

Wow.
There is the Blue Dancer, and The Blue Prince:

Nice thong, huh?

The "Authentic Blue Boy" :

The "Baby Blue Boy" :

And of course. . . "BUNNY BOI!!!"

This is not all. He probably has 20 more costumes on his fashion page, and I highly suggest you check them out. Particularly if you are at work and bored.

I am going to leave you now with a piece from his "Everyday wear" collection:

UPDATE!!!
He found his Tinkerbell:

And, they are getting married.
That is pretty sweet. Congrats to them. Now. . . I am wondering if I should email the guy and ask him if he will be doing any public appearances anytime in Orlando, in case you guys would like to see him.

EDIT:::
I emailed the guy.

If a picture is worth a thousand words,

2008-06-04T16:59:00.000-04:00

How many words is a video worth?
My Stumpfiddle

Damn SON! It's "Charlie the almighty Blingmaster"!!!

2008-06-04T15:52:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentleman, I would like to introduce you to Charlie the almighty Blingmaster! Master of bling, lady killer, and all around whigger. (I am white, I can say that.)

What I really don't get is why he didn't change his name to "Chuck." Chuck is a hard ass name if I ever heard one. I am half-tempted to message him myself, and suggest he change his name to "Chuck Bling: Blingmaster Supreme." That name in and of itself could be a rap lyric.
Perhaps the most endearing trait of Charlie's myspace page is his "Who I would like to meet" section.
This is who he would like to meet:

In other words, he wants to meet a dead angel midget cartoon version of himself, donning bunny ears and straight chillin' with a pet dragon.

Totally fucking normal.

EDIT...
I was not able to resist the temptation to message him and suggest a name change:

Notice the "all caps." I felt this was key to really get my point across and express my extreme enthusiasm.

To be continued. . .

The unfortunate URL. . .

2008-06-04T12:12:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite things to do with myspace, is to come up with strange potential urls, and see if they exist. Here are a few:

"I am so emo"

How does one get "so emo?"

"I cut myself" (and he has a kid!!!)

"I eat paste"

Nice scabs.

"Wish I had friends" (aww, poor little guy.)

"I will eat you"

I believe you.

"Cum Dumpster"

The smile on his face says it all.

"Small Wang" (Yes Mario, be proud of your small wang. )

Small wang, big hill.

"I eat babies"

And then I use their blood to style my hair.

"Jesus Ate My Baby"

I think his mom picked this url for him.

"I eat poop"

I buy it.

Have you ever wondered what happened to the women who DON'T win on "Rock of Love" ???

2008-06-04T10:27:00.000-04:00

They date this guy:
, he has leather, he has buttons, he has siqq shades, he is 77 years old, and his name is Shawn Smash.
I checked out dude's about me section, and I was promptly directed to read his blog entitled, "Personal Biography." Damn. Is that like. . . an autobiography?
The first paragraph had me hooked!
"IT ALL STARTED IN THE LATE 1980'S SPRAY PAINTED, BEER SOAKED BACK ALLEY'S OF THE HOUSTON, TEXAS PUNK SCENE.
FROM I.N.C TO NO SOLUTION TO THE BRAINBOMBS AND THEN WITH TOTAL CHAOS IN 1995."

Wow! Zap! He is like a punk rock superhero, time-warping from the late 80's Texas Punk Scene to TOTAL CHAOS in 1995.

"I HAVE TOURED WITH THE EXPLOITED TWICE(NATIONAL TELEVISED RIOTS ON CNN IN MONTREAL, CANADA! THE MONTREAL BORDER, WOULDNT GRANT US ENTRY INTO THE COUNTRY)"

I wonder if touring with The Exploited is anything like touring with The Grateful Dead, i.e. you just follow them around from town to town like some hippie dirtbag for months on end and cling on to them and their "aura."

"PLAYED WITH MARKY RAMONE IN MEXICO CITY AND MONTERREY MEXICO AND HERMOSILLO, MEXICO - DEC/2003"

Yeah? Cool. I was hoping maybe I could find video of him with Marky, so I searched youtube.
All I got was this:

No Marky, but still, some great stills of Shawn Smash. (I do have to applaud him, he has some stellar guitar poses. If you're into that kind of thing.)

He goes on and on about his various PUNK RAWK accomplishments. It is boring. I don't care.
I just like to look at his profile from time to time and laugh. Because I am not him.

Welcome to their world.

2008-06-04T09:27:00.000-04:00

Welcome to my Myspace Mutants blog. For some odd reason or another, I have a strange affinity for really creepy people that I don't actually have to interact with. Lucky for me, I have Myspace to find them. The first person I wanted to display (yes, display) is this guy:
http://www.myspace.com/dahvie
At first I was hesitant to touch on this creep because the defameorlando blog already made fun of his/hers/its band. But honestly, I feel this guy exudes enough creepiness to make it onto at least two Orlando based blogs, if not four.

When I first made my way to this profile, I was truly impressed by his entrepreneurial spirit; atop the page is an ad banner for his services as a hairstylist. The first thing I thought to myself was, "well, shit! His hair is rad! Why *wouldn't* I want my hair done by him???"
And I was right. His slogan is, "Mad Rad Hair!"
I didn't think you could get more rad than rad, but then again, I never considered the possibility that "MAD RAD" could exist.
The other thing that I found shockingly impressive about this rock star is the fact that he is so shockingly cultured, he has to spell "color" as if he were British: Colour. As in "colour specialist," and "colour correction" (because obviously the dude comes correct when it comes to hair color- look at his pictures!)
I also like how he brags about being "Tigi Educated."
I buy Tigi at Publix, homeboy.
Anyways, I started scrolling down his page, past the obnoxious merch banners for his band, and saw his event calendar.
I thought to myself, "Holy shit! Look how many shows his band has booked!" because well, I just get real impressed by that sort of thing. But then I realized something. . . he has two shows. He just listed each of them ten times.
Why?
I have to say, I give the guy credit for being out there, and being who he is. It is just that. . . who he is just doesn't make sense. Stroll on over to his page, and see for yourself. I am sure he will appreciate (and notice) the page views.