Monday, July 28, 2008

Look out Mind Freak!!!

It's Illusions by Vick.

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The thing I like about this guy, is that he is undeniably weird, yet maintains a palatable sense of humor within his weirdness.

For example:
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Weird.

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Moderately funny magician's illusionist's joke.

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Here he is with his wife. Nice wings. Got em in any other colors?

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Why yes! I do!

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I think the illusion here is that he can dance.

And this is what gets me every time:
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This poor kid. There are apparently millions of mutant children out there, who are not being given the chance at a normal childhood because their parents are to damned weird to LET them have a normal childhood. Sorry little guy. Good luck explaining this picture when you inadvertently bring it in for show and tell, not knowing that its REALLY FUCKING WEIRD and NOT COOL because your parents have deluded you from birth. Poor, poor little guy.
Feel free to donate money to a fund I just started. I call it, "Raising Awareness for the Children of Mutants." I will probably just donate the money to the Humane Society, in hopes that this will make pets more accessible to the various mutants out there on Myspace. This way, instead of putting their children in costume, they can put their cat in costume instead:
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So, if you want to save children by giving these creeps new outlets for their creativity, donate here:








In the end, I leave you with some of his observations from his blog.
"Why it is ..... UFOs, Aliens & Such

People who claim to have seen aliens really lack imagination,
why are the aliens always bi-peds who came here in a space ship?

Wouldn't aliens be as different from humans as humans are from horses, fish or birds?

and wouldn't a really advanced civilization be able to send themselves here via particle transmission or something we can't even conceive of?

and why are UFO's always attracted to trailer parks?
"

Not bad questions, actually.

More Local Music

I think when it comes to local music, I will primarily let things speak for themselves. I may be saying that now, though, because I haven't an explanation of my own for this:
Random acts of Retardation
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Uncomfortable.

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Hmm.

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"Kitty Lita"

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"Necro Poodle"

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Hey. Your face is a different color as your neck.

Maybe reading the about me section will offer some help:
"is the heartwarming story of a crazy girl and a dead poodle. In 1984, while chasing paparazzi off Mick Rock's villa, Eno, the French Poodle, was tragically run down by a box truck delivering frozen meat patties. Behind the wheel, pursued by authorities, was Kitty Lita, well known meat interceptor, who, just that afternoon had robbed the local McRonald's burger joint. Earlier that same day she had escaped the Morningstar insane asylum where she spent many years as a patient (case study 913) suffering from catzophrenia. During the heated police pursuit, the devious vixen took an unfortunate turn and careened off the side of a cliff into the great below. Not even the specialized Swedish swimsuit model rescue squad could save her. Flash forward to CyberHell 3000 where Satron awaited his two new arrivals. Upon their admittance they were given the choice, either join the fight of the Dark Circuit and live as Kings (or Queens for that matter) or spend eternity in Cyberhell 3000's tech support unit as civil servants, for minimum wage. Sympathetic to our heroes plight, a civil servant by the name of King Krook daringly planned their escape. After being sprung from CyberHell 3000 the duo rejected assimilation, creating the world's greatest undead Electro Pop act. "
Nope.


And, for the fans:

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Coming soon. . .

Local Music Mutants. Local bands that I think either suck, are lame, or are hilarious.

First line of business? Red is Recovery:


What.
The.
Fuck.
Are.
They.
Doing?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Someone call Crocket and Tubbs. . .

Its "$$$the vice$$$"
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Good thing he used those dollar signs, they are really um. . . eye catching.
$$$the vice$$$ claims to be from lomme city rocker, mars
Mongolia. I really don't know what that means, but I think it means he is probably just really fucking weird. He also plays in a band called, "Rodeo Superstars,Inc." which is apparently his primary gig. He also plays in "Bad Trip Bad Taste." Those have to be two of the lamest band names I have ever heard.
He claims "i come from mars city rocker,mitterie section.59666" which I can only take to mean he is part of some strange doomsday cult. We will probably see him on the news one day soon wearing his clown make up, and rocking out in front of a bunch of drones while they kill themselves because the God Mars has returned to the Earth (or so they believe.)
Actually, now that I think of it, that sounds pretty fucking rad. Let's cross our fingers!
You might be asking yourself, "Well, who would he like to meet? Me perhaps???" so here you go:
"c.palanhiuk,g.w.bush,sarkozy,drugz dealers"
C.Palanhiuk, hmmm. . . I think he meant, "Palahniuk," and I am glad he mentioned it.


Dear kids,
Palahniuk is not special. He writes cheesey novels that are dark or weird for the trite novelty of being dark or weird. He got lucky, and someone decided they wanted to cast Brad Pitt and Ed Norton to be part of a movie recreation of one of his novels thus thrusting him into the literary limelight of Generation Y. Were it not for this "cool" movie none of you would probably have ever read anything by him, nor continued to read him beyond that novel.
Put down "Choke" and go to Barnes and Noble, and buy a book by a real author. If you would like a suggested reading list of 20th century authors who are better than Palahniuk, please email me at: kyleraker@gmail.com.

Regards,
Kyle R. Raker



I feel much better now.

Another thing I find really trite (besides his affinity for authors of books adopted to hit-movies) on his page is this:
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Wow. Cool. Mealworms in a condom. Man, that'll fuck em up when they see that! (Whoever the fuck the they is he is feebly trying to shock.)

Or, how about this pic?
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Yeah dude, make me look totally dead and shit.

Or:
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Oooh, I am in a tub filled with bloood. I am glorifying suicide. I am so fucking RAD!!!

Please. Stop making music. Stop doing anything in public. Just go to Macy's and buy a couple polos and a pair of jeans, and do your best to sink into anonymity. It is the best thing for everyone. Retard.
And, in case any of you doubt me, I give you. . . the music:
http://www.myspace.com/rodeosuperstarsinc

ps: You might like it if you are into Marilyn Manson, NIN, or anything else that people who wear black jnco jeans and big chains likes these days. But, that is all there is to it- watered down attempts at capturing a sound and image that has long since faded, being replaced by the douchebags in My Chemical Romance.

Friday, July 18, 2008

What better place to seek out your lost confidence than Myspace???

Probably no better place, when your name is suhlut.
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Now, if I am not mistaken, that is pronounced "Suhhh-Lut," as in "Slut" being pronounced with a bit of extra enthusiasm.

I have to admit, this is the first time I have ever encountered a fat chick calling herself a slut. Which reminds me. . . I was looking at her pictures. Guys, here is a bit of advice for you:
If a girl seems just a bit too friendly on myspace, and her pictures look like this:
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. . .it is because she is a fucking fat ass with no self-confidence. STAY AWAY!!!
Remember what William Congreve said:
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
If you aren't careful (i.e. if it isn't obvious to you if she is skinny, she is fat, if you don't get that, you aren't being careful,) you will ultimately find out she is fat the hard way, and learn the true meaning of that oft-quoted phrase.3

I realllly like her "About Me" section:
"To pick up beautiful myspace boys: Hey... I might not be the cutest one here... but I am the only one talking to you."

In other words:
"I am here to pick up dudes on myspace: Hey. . . I am fat, but you're obviously desperate if you are trying to pick up chicks on Myspace anyways. Sup?"

Even better is her "Music" section:
"i like hardcore music. way to be different eh? yes well whatever. um. yes. i also like some emo, when in the right mood for it. mostly i just want to scream, therefore hardcore is in order. i like soundtracks to certain movies too. i cant devulge the main movie, because its not mainstream enough for you people, and i want to keep it as underground as possible."

Well. She likes hardcore. Why? Because, she mostly wants to scream. Duh.
The sad part though is the "i like soundtracks to certain movies too. i cant devulge the main movie, because its not mainstream enough for you people, and i want to keep it as underground as possible" part. She be serious. . . can she???


I think so, because this is what she has to say about her favorite movies:
"i like ones about music, drugs, sex, hate, and fiction."

Oh. She likes movies about "FICTION."
So. Uh. She likes nearly every movie ever made. Cool.

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Had to throw that one in.

I am also getting extremely irritated by the background on her profile: Two Pistols. Which seems to be a running theme for her. I guess this is one of her so-called friends:
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Hey cliche? Sup?
Speaking of cliches. . . here is a picture of her general interests:
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Murray's Pomade? Check.
Bright red lipstick? Check.
Allusion to a rock icon she probably rarely listens to? Check.
Cigarettes? Check.
Auquanet, to show how 80's she is? Check.
Too big sunglasses, to show how glamourus she is? Check.
ANOTHER FUCKING PISTOL? Check.
Q-Tips? No clue.

I have been saving the highlight, for last, though.
Her blog, entitled. . .
"I used to be hot."
Wow. Really? Well. . . here you go:


"I USED TO BE H O T.
Current mood: shittyyyy.

FUCK being sick.

FUCK taking 80 bajillion pills a day.

FUCK no one caring.

FUCK work.

FUCK school.

FUCK everyone.

FUCK california.

FUCK guys.



all fucking lame.



i wish i was how i used to be. looked and felt. seriously. every day just sucks now. ugh.
"

Um. Step one to recovery? Stop taking 80 bajillion pills a day, dummy.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Monkey in the middle. . .

You know what I find incredibly stupid/annoying? People who give themselves a Myspace name and then add "TM" at the end (if Tom had done that, would someone have stolen his nickname? We will never know. . .). What is worse than that? Someone giving himself two Myspace nicknames, and two "TM"s, like this guy:
MenaCe™ (DUDE in the MIDDLE™)

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It would appear his real (untrademarked) name is Martin Yi. And, apparently he takes his "DUDE in the MIDDLE™" moniker very seriously, as evidenced by his photos:
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As you can see, he has lots and lots of pictures of him in the middle.

You might think I am jealous, or something. I assure you, I am not. His life "in the middle" is probably much akin to being impotent: you can look all you want, but you can't do a damn thing about it.
Sadly, I am sure most of these girls would introduce him as, "Menace! He's my little brother from another mother!"
I am sure that does wonders for his ego, hence his need to overcompensate by posting a myriad of pictures of himself with half-naked women.

He is a "CLUB PROMOTER and MODEL/GOGO DANCER manager." In other words, he does his best to make money off of other people's club nights and make money off of other people's (questionable) talent. Way to go MARTIN!

I started reading dude's blogs. . . and started getting REAL confused.
"

yeah I'm talking to you...
Current mood: anxious

ok so if ur reading this... I'm flattered...again*to whom this may concern* now let me ask you something for reals..

why is it.. that I gave you something worth keeping and then you give it back?

ok I kinda understand. well then I say nah its kul keep it, and you say ok wutever... and then u still give it back???

is my gift that worthless???

*now if you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about...then this doesn't concern you*

*if you do know what I'm talking about...please answer my question*

thanks so much,
menace aka dude in the middle...

p.s. just another time for menace to vent
"

Huh? So. . . you gave someone something, then they gave it back, but you said, "its kul" so they kept it but then gave it back? Or are speaking metaphorically about something non-physical?
I don't f'ng get it either way.

And finally, he has one last blog especially for people like me:
"

about one of my entries before..

this is about my dear good friend sam(FAN OR HATER) read that before you read this....

anyways... i hope your doing well.. and it just came across my mind cause i do still get a few hate mail here and there from others. i dont know if these people try to start shit with me just so i can message back. nahhh its a totally waste of time for me. SO IF YOU PLAN TO HATE ON ME... dont even waste ur time writing me a message..ahaha pointless..

so those people that think they are HARD(thuggish, gangsterish) behind a MONITOR....GROW UP~! hahahahahha

BANGIN' ONLINE is like winning the SPECIAL OLYMPICS... even tho you win...UR STILL RETARDED~!

peace out bitches..catch yall on the flip side
"

Well, I may be retarded according to him (that was an original quip if I ever read one. . .) Oh well. I do have one more question though. . .

I have noticed several of the people I have written about talk about haters, etc. Don't you think if they keep getting messages from people "hating" on them, they might want to think about why they keep getting these messages?

And now. . . for the truly strange.

In case any of you were looking, this girl is "Selling my Magic the Gathering Cards." She also is the owner of a rather unfortunate URL: DEVILS CONCUBINE http://www.myspace.com/devilzconcubine .
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Ok. Her real name appears to be Crystal Posser, or so it says. And I guess she is selling her Magic the Gathering cards. She has a kid now, so I guess she had to find someway to support him.
And. . . look at that kid. Closely. Doesn't he look a little old to be wearing a diaper? Something isn't right here, but I don't know what, exactly.

Think for yourself. Do what you feel. Tommy Dice. Keeps it real. . .

Those words of wisdom are compliments of Tommy Dice and The Hardcores.
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(Notice they are reppin' Boston)

This band was first brought to my attention by a friend of mine whose name is. . .
Tom Dice.
So, not only is this band really fucking bad, the lead guy couldn't even come up with a unique nickname (although to make himself unique he capitalizes one of the letters! clever!)
See? here is Tom Dice:
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(yes, I had to choose that picture. It's myspacemutants.)

and here is Tom DiCe:
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He is even copying the pose!

Now that I have that figured out, I'd like to move on to the music. This guy has the worst guitar tone on earth, it sounds like he is playing out of a Line 6 amp:
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(for those that don't know, Line 6 products attempt to recreate the tone of classic guitar amps digitally, and they often sound like shit.)
I can't really make fun of the riffs or anything though, it just is what it is. But my God. That guitar! I can't listen to it.
Then I thought to myself, "well, maybe they sound better live," so I went to youtube.com and looked them up. And. . .

I don't know what is better:
-The fact that within 15 seconds the guys in the crowd are laughing at this dude, or
-Tommy DiCe's rapper moves.
And no, they are not better live.
At least they look cool. . .
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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A few more unfortunate URLS for you. Again. . .

HIV Positive (http://www.myspace.com/hivpositive)
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Yeah. Um. Own it, girl.

Crooked Dick (http://myspace.com/crookeddick)
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Really? If I ever have a son, he will not shotput.


I Eat Rats
(http://www.myspace.com/ieatrats)
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Wow. I think this guy may end up with his own entry. . .

I Will Murder (http://www.myspace.com/iwillmurder)
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Sure you will, buddy. Sure you will.

The IMPREGNATOR!!!
(http://www.myspace.com/theimpregnator)
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I am always amazed when I find that these urls actually exist. What are these people thinking???

Hey, don't ask me. I don't get this shit either.

Look out X-Tina, here comes Kristina, AKA Tinaec.
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Jesus, please forgive me for this.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS.

This profile was sent to me by one of my girlfriend's co-workers.
WHAT THE FUCK.
I don't even know what she is saying. I don't think she is even hitting any notes that are on a scale yet discovered by mankind.
In fact, I just came up with a new name for the musical scale on which she sings: Tina Suxor.
It isn't anything like G Major, or A Minor. It is an entity unto itself in that it resembles neither in any way shape or form and is thus not comparable whatsoever. The Tina Suxor scale does share one major trait with traditional musical scales, in that like the traditional musical scales, it includes SOUNDS.

This is one of those profiles that I come upon, and my jaw literally drops. Is it a joke? Is it real?
After much effort, I have determined this girl is serious. Worse yet, I think her parents are actually encouraging this. . . COME ON MOM AND DAD!!! YOUR KID SUCKS!!!
Do they not realize what they are doing to this poor girl? They are, in effect, encouraging her to become a pariah. They have to know she sucks; love may be blind, but it sure as hell ain't deaf. I actually think her parents are rather cruel. Yeah. I bet they get a big kick out of sitting back and watching these videos, just like the rest of us. This is social abuse. They are socially abusing their child, by ruining her chances of any potentially normal social encounter.
Someone call Department of Children and Families, please.

Here is an excerpt from her "About Me" section:
"She doesn't like haters, and thinks they are nasty. And if she gets a record contract soon then she hopes to write about love and understanding to help overturn the hate community online. She is a christian, and believes in God and Jesus."

Woops. Sorry, Tina.

Is it wrong that I think it is un-Christian of her to keep singing?

This girl is just plain bizarre, I am at a loss. I cannot explain her.

I guess she did a video in which she is wearing a night gown, in turn showing some skin. In true Miley Cyrus fashion, she apologizes to us all here:

Right.

Don't EVER show your tits again.

I leave you with this, my favorite of her videos:

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

SERIOUSLY???

"Hey. What's up? I'm Rockstar from Myspace. You may have heard of me; I am kind of a big deal."
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The ultimate in douchebaggery is the guys who have never played an instrument in their life, but do everything they can to make it look like they have. In example, this guy. Let's imagine, if we will, the fateful day he created his current persona (before, of course, discussing his potential past personas.)

Rockstar: Hey Mona, I wanna reinvent myself.
Mona, the Hairstylist: Ok, like. . . how?
Rockstar: I dunno. Something. . . cool?
Mona: How about a cowboy?
Rockstar: No, I did that when Billy Ray Cyrus got popular.
Mona: Hmmm. . . how about hip hop?
Rockstar: Nah, I did that when Eminem was popular.
Mona: Ok, how abouttt. . . a jock?
Rockstar: Nah, too obvious. Look at me, I AM a jock.
Mona: Yeah, you're right. Why don't you try becoming. . . A ROCKSTAR???
Rockstar: Holy shit! That's it. I can have like, spikey hair and shit. Like a mohawk, but not really a mohawk, because I ain't no fucking queer. And bleach my hair, some. I won't look gay will I?
Mona: No way, you'll look so hot!
Rockstar: Should I do the makeup thing like Tommy Lee and Bret Michaels? That won't make me gay, will it?
Mona: No way, you'll look so hot!

And so, Rockstar was born.
He lives in Atlanta, though I doubt he has called it Atlanta in years; when you're a rockstar, you live in HOTlanta.
It is kind of hard to learn much about the guy, he doesn't tell you anything- just dumps a lot of pictures down and basically says, "What's up? I am a God Damned Rockstar, and here are the gratuitous pictures of me with BITCHES to prove it!"

He apparently has something in some way to do with some magazine called, "Armada Magazine," AKA the shittiest magazine ever.
I went to the website, and was greeted by. . . more promotional crap for more crappy club nights at crappy clubs with shitty people! Well, they are all crappy with the exception of CIRQUE. Cirque is described on the flyer as, "a sexy crazy funky cool naughty little night!"
Damn that is a lot of adjectives! It must be cool. Here is the flyer:
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Seriously though. Armada is not a magazine, it is a promotional prop for their lame ass "nights" at whatever club is dumb enough to look at Rockstar and think, "Damn! This dude is the real deal!!!"

It sucks he doesn't give me much more to go on than his pictures, because I bet if he actually SAID anything on this page, it would be f'ng hilarious.
Which got me thinking. What if he put captions under each of his pictures? I wonder what they would say? Or, better yet, what is he thinking while the picture is being taken? Here:
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"Good thing I remembered to go to the tanning bed. This guy looks pasty."

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"Ok, purse my lips. . . raise eyebrows. Look cool in front of the DJ. . . Damn I am hot."

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"Ok, purse my lips. . . raise my eyebrows. Man, I gotta remember: Real rockstars always look better next to old dudes."

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"Ok, purse my lips. . . raise my eyebrows. Man, I wish this girl would leave me alone. I wanna pose with more dudes."

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Rockstar: "Ok, purse my lips. . . raise my. . .OH FUCK IT! This guy is georgeous, look at him!!! (points finger)
Other dude: "Who is this dweeb, and why is he pointing at me?"

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"Man this guy is such a NERD. People say we look alike- I don't get it."

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"I wish this girl had a dick."

Thursday, July 3, 2008

More unfortunate URLS for you. . .

Pee In My Butt (http://www.myspace.com/peeinmybutt)
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Disturbed much?


I Am a Plague (http://www.myspace.com/iamaplague)
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Don't be so hard on yourself, buddy.


I Eat Placenta (http://myspace.com/ieatplacenta)
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Trippy.


My Dad Beats Me (http://www.myspace.com/mydadbeatsme)
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Is he protecting you? If so, he looks way more scared of your dad than you are. . .


Anal Virgin (http://www.myspace.com/analvirgin)
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This guy is such a liar.