Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Rockin Ron

"Hey Rockin Ron! What are you up to?"
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"Nothing much. Just rocking out in my backyard! \m/ "

His Myspace headline is, "If I had one wish , you know , what that wish would be," and he is right, I do know what that wish would be: for a backyard amplifier for that sweet backyard guitar he is clearly playing.
I don't think it is enough to just look at this picture. You really have to think about it. Rockin Ron and a friend, we'll call his friend Photographin Pete, got together one day (drinking Miller High Life) and decided that Rockin Ron needed and appropriately rockin photo. Here is a re-enactment:
Photographin Pete- Hey Rockin Ron, man, you need a new myspace picture. The one of you playing guitar indoors is boring.
Rockin Ron- Yeah, you're right Photographin Pete. What can we do to show how Rockin I am?
PP- Take off your shirt.
RR- AND DO IT IN THE BACKYARD?
PP- Hell yeah, man. HELL YEAH!

And so, the above photo was birthed.

Reading his about me section, I got some seriously sage words of advice:
"If it Rocks = IT ROCKS !!!"
If it rocks equals IT ROCKS!!!.

This makes me wonder, if I were to ask him what he thinks of the first Black Label Society album, would he say "IT ROCKS!!!" or would he say, "If it rocks" ?

I am pretty disappointed this guy has his photos as private. I bet he has some real gems.
I am also pretty worried I may have some serious competition on the blogging world when it comes to this guy. . . if people start reading his blog, they may lose interest in mine. Here is a sample entry:

Title: Oh ,,, that hurt !!!

Entry: I accidentally bumped my windshield with my guitar case. I didn't even hit it hard. Kinda like, a tap. However that "tap" busted the glass. And that's not cool.


You're right Ron, that is not cool at all.

And finally, some of his general interests:
"Listening to loud music , playing guitar 2 loud , and Ford Mustangs!!!"

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Hidden Talent

AKA Talent so well hidden, I can't find it anywhere on her page.
I present "* Arainia *,"
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a not so talented musician from Underground DC, wherever the hell Underground DC is. (clearly it is not far enough underground, because if it were, I wouldn't be able to hear this crap.)

This girl makes horrible music, and she loves it. In fact, she loves it so much I feel bad calling it horrible. I feel like I am calling a baby ugly, knowing that the mother still loves him despite his cleft palate.

I am sure by now, you are wondering just what sort of music this young lady makes (btw- judging by her main pic, I really want to forward her profile to our old friend
"lik lik lik lyke a lolipop!lol"), and I want to go ahead and let you know. It is eclectic: Alternative / Hip Hop / Funk .
God how I wish I could ask her in person how she would describe her music. Let's pretend we are asking her now:
Me: How would you describe this crap.
Her: ahah You don't mean that. You don't think it is crap.
Me: Yes I do.
Her: hahaha, you're so funny.
Me: Huh?
Her: Well, I guess I imagine it sort of liiiiike, if The Red Hot Chilli Peppers had Girl Power, they would sound like this.
Me: You're probably right.

I knew I was definitely in pure musical hell when I realized she had somehow managed to not only attack us sonically, but visually, too. By that I mean. . . MUSIC VIDEOZZZ!!!
Good word. Is she SERIOUS?

WICKED BOUNCE!!!

Highlights:
  • Random timpani hit (for the unitiated, that is the cartooney boing sound) interspersed throughout the song at seemingly random intervals.
  • Her and some little kids doing some kind of choreographed dance in the park
  • Some dude falling off of a swing at the very end.
Let's not stop there, though! She was also kind enough to post her video for another song.

UR KIND!!!


Uh. Ha.
  • You might think that your creepy crawling up to the camera at the start of the video is "sexy" or "Sassy" or "saucey," but it is in fact FUCKING CREEPY.
  • Why are there random shots of you slapping your ass? Is that some strange form of percussive emphasis?
  • You are tone deaf.
  • Doubling up vocal tracks in no way covers up your tone deafness.
  • The doubled/tripled vocal tracks don't even match up. That is not a delay effect; that is a mistake.
  • Wait a second. . . I just got to the 1:44 mark. . .
Here are the lyrics at that point:
"You may not like my music/ and that's ok with me/ but do you have to be so hateful/ and why are you so angry/ don't waste your time/ I'm not ur kind"

Shit. I am so busted.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The RZA

You ain't no Ray Charles, homey.
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BONE SAW ! ! !

Today's subject is a guy from Orlando who calls himself, "BONE SAW":
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His name is Eli, and he lives in Orlando, FL.
Right off the bat, you know he is not to be fucked with, because his headline says, "FUCK Y'ALL", with the all caps being the key indicator that he is serious. Really FUCKING SERIOUS.
When you scroll down to his "About Me" section, you get this:
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"FUCK WORK"
What does all of that even mean? Does he consider himself to be a dirty ass ashtray, surrounded by pristine Mac Laptops? One part I do get, is the "FUCK WORK" part, which explains why this is who he would like to meet:
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He would like to meet an ugly chick in a halo. Fuck work, he wants charity sex.

And then, to top it off, he lists his SN: "AIM - pwn3dn000b"
My guess is that World of Warcraft Aficionados everywhere hate his guts for stealing that SIQQ screenname. I wonder if he gets hate messages from them.

Roaming around his page further, I found a youtube video of him wearing. . . a HALO???

The question is, did he break his neck? Or does he just wear that in hopes of attracting some sweet broken necked babes?
I then read his music section. This is what he listens to:
"
crucial taunt, the sons of thunder, the shitty beetles, the lone rangers, the oneders."
Crucial Taunt? WTF? As in "Wayne's World?"
I realized this meant his Music section warranted further research.
Here are links to each band:
Crucial Taunt
The Sons of Thunder
The Shitty Beetles
The Lone Rangers
The Oneders
They are all fictional movie bands with the exception of The Sons of Thunder, who describe themselves as a Gospel Quartet.



Gospel Quartet.


His favorite bands are either bands that don't exist, or a band that sings about a dude that died 2000 years ago. (No offense Jesus, Photobucket

And, what the hell is he doing here?
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editors note: "Bone Saw" is a friend of mine, and he has an excellent sense of humor. Thanks, man.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I guess on Myspace, you really can be anyone you want to be. . .

I am pretty sure many of you remember, "lik lik lik lyke a lolipop!lol" from one of my previous blogs. Here is a photo for those who do not:
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Well, I had every intention of doing an entire blog ( I choose the wording "entire blog" after realizing that "in depth analysis" or "full review" just sounded disgusting when coupled with that raunchy Myspace photo) on this guy, but unfortunately, despite the weird ass main pic, his page is rather boring. Go check it out for yourself when you're done here. All I can really tell you about him is that he wants to meet "sexi niggas" and that his favorite movies are 28 Weeks Later. . . and Porn ( "lol").
Fortunately for all of us, he (unsurprisingly) has some odd characters in his top friends. Primarily, this guy:
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Reginald, AKA "Da Poporazzi Made Me Famous! Thank You Hoe's."
OK. "Thank You Hoe's."
Thank you Hoe's what?
Thank you Hoe's bitches? Thank you Hoe's efforts? Thank you Hoe's expository column about you in a well known tabloid?
Who is Hoe, and what is it that Hoe possesses that lead the poporazzi [sic] to make him famous?
Fucking idiot. Seriously. Everyday I think longer and harder about becoming an English teacher, because obviously these kids need some help.
Well. I thought the guy was an idiot when I read that, but I quickly realized he is probably just drunk. How do I know this? By reviewing his General Interests, of course. Here they are:
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That is a pretty brutal array of alcohol right thurr. No wonder he is having trouble keeping his apostrophes in line. Not to mention, this
is his favorite book (??? WHAT BOOK IS THIS ??? ):
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So apparently, when he is not getting wasted, he is getting high on reading.

One of the more unfortunate effects of his drinking and smoking is perhaps most readily apparent when it comes to his taste in women; he is 5'8" and "slim/slender" like myself, but his taste varies quite a bit from my own.
According to his about me section, this is what he likes in a lady:
Favourite Eye Color:hazel

Favourite Hair Color:black

Short or Long Hair:don't matter

Height:5'8-6'6

Weight:140-200 lbs

6'6" 200lbs. To put that in perspective, that is roughly how big a young Michael Jordan was when he entered the NBA.
Does he want a girlfriend, or does he want good genes for building baby Michael Jordans? That is a tall lady.
I know he definitely doesn't need her for protection, though, as Reggie is a member of THE COUSINS GOON SQUAD!!!
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Look the fuck out, ladies and gentleman.


Monday, June 16, 2008

Jay Leno caught posing as a teenaged girl in Spain.

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Apparently bored with being a post-middle-aged lackluster late night television host, Leno created the myspace persona, "♔ ☆ Leire ☆ ♔ PeRvErTeD"
Do not ask me what the hell that name means exactly, because I have no clue.
Actually, I have no clue what most of this page says, because it is all in Spanish. Very clever, Jay.

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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Warning ladies- He is a bad boi.

No really. His Myspace says so: imma naughty boi add me.
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So this is the second person I have made fun of from Myspace that spells "boy" as "boi."
The last one was Peter Pan.
This guy's profile was private, so in order to gain full access to his profile, I had to add him as a friend. Lucky for me, he readily accepted. (WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME???)
You may be wondering where I found him. Well, I found him here.
He isn't very interesting really, beyond his Myspace moniker. Here is the proof:
"
Name:micheal

Your Weakness:light skin gurls lol

Your Bedtime:wat!

Weight:not sloppy looking
"
Wat?
What the fuck is WAT?
This guy may not be able to spell, but one thing I need to give him credit for, is the fact that he has standards (aside from the fact he accepted me as his Myspace friend.)
His headline lets you know right up front what the rules are to be his friend:
"LADIEZ IM DAT NIGGA DAT U CALL TO GET YO PUSSY WET DONT ADD ME UNLESS U GOIN TO HOLD A CONVERSATION OR SHOW LUV CUZ I WILL DELETE U Image and video hosting by TinyPic.. "

Hopefully he will be deleting me soon, if I don't delete him first. Because I haven't left him a comment yet.

I am going to leave you with some of his profile pictures, since he is private and you cannot see them:
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and of course:
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Best thing about that picture?
The fact that this guy:
Photobucket, AKA
lik lik lik lyke a lolipop!lol
(obviously a future blog subject) commented on the picture saying, "mmmm dat dick look huge!"
Wow. That is awful open-minded of Bad Boi to leave a comment from a guy saying that about his schlong up. . .

He is THE best MC/ Host alive. . . and I found him!

Today I want you all to meet, "BANG BANG a.k.a Anthony." I will call him Bang Bang for short, due in large part to the fact that is the most retarded nickname anyone could ever give themselves.
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Is he a gun? Or is he just the sound guns make?
I don't get it.
Bang Bang comes to us from Long Island, NY- surprisingly a hotbed of douchebaggery if I were to judge it solely by his friends list.
I happened upon his profile months ago, and saved it because I knew one day it would come in handy. I have to admit I was a little bit letdown today when I re-visited his profile:
He is no longer single.
This dude was such a stud. He had pictures of himself with a myriad of but-her-faces doing all sorts of moronic things.
Lucky for me, he is still narcissistic enough to post tons of pictures of moronic pictures of himself.
To prove this, here are a few of his pictures, below which I will post "What he is thinking. . ."
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"Damnnnn boy. Ima name myself after dat ASS!"

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"I hope everyone notices the anal beads in my right hand. THAT'S whats up."

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"Yo ladies! I sleep naked. With fur under me."

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Too explicit for me to post.

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"Shit. I knew I shouldn't have given her a roofie before I put her in the bubble bath."

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Self-explanatory.

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"Look! Lens-flare! I just got photoshop!"

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"Guys! Look what happens when you wear your jeans in the tanning bed! Fuckin' A!"

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"I'm the Michael JORDAN of pimpin' bitches!"

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???

Nice matching pink hat and shirt. In case you were wondering how he can afford such fly gear, it is because his income is $250,000 or higher. Damn son. You really must be the best MC alive.
I questioned his ability to relate to the masses, actually, until I saw this video:

Yeah. He knows how to get his point across. Best MC ever.
Btw, his GF would like to leave all of you ladies with a parting thought:






Friday, June 6, 2008

This guy openly claims he should be in an asylum.

Hello all. Meet, "Strangers have the best Candy..." , an apparent victim of what Henry David Thoreau once described as the, "black arts" of the American Government ( go here, and read "Civil Disobedience, it is in paragraph 4), and by that I mean, "behold a marine, such a man as an American government can make, or such as it can make a man with its black arts — a mere shadow and reminiscence of humanity, a man laid out alive and standing, and already, as one may say, buried under arms with funeral accompaniments, though it may be. . ."
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I quote Thoreau here not because I am apt to quote Thoreau, but rather because I think this kid has read "Civil Disobedience" one too many times, and identifies a bit too much with the passage I have quoted. You know the type: anti-authority, thinks they are way more clever than they really are, wants to run off to live in the woods like the kid in, "Into The Wild."

I don't know much about him, but I did gather from one of his blogs that he once served in the military:
"My emotional state is back to as it was before I was out of the military."

That would be from his blog entitled, "Babblings of a should-be asylum inmate."

Honestly, in a way I feel a bit sorry for the guy, though that does not change the fact he definitely fits in on this blog. Honestly. This is a public profile. Why, why, why would you want anyone in the general public, who knows you or who does not, to read that you think you should be an "asylum inmate?"
I don't understand why he can't be more like his buddy, " {HHN} Blaqsmyth the Lover " :
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He seems so positive. He is the Lover. (although now that I have seen that guys profile, I think I am going to end up doing a blog on him, too, soon. )

Oh well.
Perusing his page, I am finding that there are a number of gems to be found. For example, he took the following quiz:
"PhotobucketSLIPKNOT
AWSUME UR ONE OF THE GREATEST ROCK BANDS EVER! THEY KICK ASS! U LIKE LOUD MUSIC AND LIKE TO HEADBANG! U HATE PRESIDENT BUSH AND I DONT BLAME U!!!"

Yeah!!!

Believe it or not, though, it does get weirder, as he has more creepy shit to show us that you wouldn't think any person would want to make public:
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Great. He is a potentially suicidal government trained killing machine with an affinity for Hitler, and he listens to Slipknot.
Honestly, I am considering trying to have this dude Baker-Acted myself.
I leave you with the aforementioned blog, in its entirety:
"

Babblings of a should-be asylum inmate

In order of their appearance...

Sometimes I want to beat myself to a bloody pulp.

Why do people aqs how you are if they don't care?

My emotional state is back to as it was before I was out of the military.

My boss is being an asshole cecause either he doesn't like me or he's jealous.

My paranoia is becoming more severe and fequent every passing week and the shakes are getting worse and worse.

The self mutilation is not lasting as long in keeping my head clear as it used to. This must be how a drug addict gets started... they grow imune to the release it gives and must find something else. I'm afraid of what will be next. I know I need help but I cannot do it.

I get mad at myself for getting mad at others. I know people are ignorant. I know people are idiotic. I know people are assholes. I know people are selfish. I know people are blind.

I normally wake up fine but as the day progresses, my emotional state gets worse..."

Holy shit! A REAL LIVE WITCH!!!

That's right folks! His name is steve and according to his "About Me" section, he is "a 4th generation Hereditary Witch living in Essex." I am uncertain if living in Essex makes him any witchier, by the way.
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Additionally, in case you did not notice, his Myspace URL is "
myspace.com/hornedgod69." That is Horned God 69.
OK.

Perhaps one of the best things about this saucy 38 year old witch hailing from Essex is that he is a walking advertisement for NOT liking Avenged Sevenfold, My Chemical Romance, HIM, and Inkubus Sukkubus (whoever the hell that is,) as these are some of his favorite bands.
Lord (ha) knows nobody wants to have their favorite bands align with this guy's.
One slightly redeeming quality?
His profile song is Slipknot. Right.

There is one thing that I always love, and that is a Brit with bad grammar. Why? Well, I am jealous. They simply speak better than American's. Even a dumb Brit often sounds more articulate than an average American. It is just a fact.
Steve, however, has bad grammar and as such he has ingratiated himself to me. Check out his favorite movies:
"The Crow any Goth,horror and british gangster. None of this American shit where they think their gangsters"
their. . .
It is THEY'RE you idiot. And we all are gangstas, and we will bully your ass on the internet.
There. I think that sounded suitably American.

I leave you with a picture of Steve the Witch, his fiance', and his fiance's son Aaron. And, I ask you this:
What do you think Aaron's real dad thinks of Steve the Witch after seeing this picture?
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Thursday, June 5, 2008

I can't wait to find his Tinkerbell. . .

Ahhh. Peter Pan. I am sure many of you have seen this guy before. Hell, he was my friend on Friendster. Our standards were so much lower back then.
So what's the deal?
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Well, this guy is for real. From what I have been told by friends in Tampa, he will actually don this outfit and head down to Ybor City (which makes me think of The Senator. . . what is it with Tampa?) and gal avant. Or whatever it is Peter Pans do.
In all honesty I feel sorry for the guy, yet I have an inkling of respect for him considering he has no shame for who he is. He is 54, and wears green tights, does spritely leaps in the air for photo-ops and is looking for "his tinkerbell."
He also makes music. In fact, remembering how odd his music was, I decided to research Friendster (truly an old school mutant) and find him. Lo and behold, I do find him. And it says that he now lives. . .
In Winter Park!!!
Why the FUCK does he not go out downtown in Orlando? It just is not fair. Perhaps it is because he is too busy "at the office."
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Or, maybe I am wrong, that could be his studio. Here is his album cover (I am serious, btw):
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And go here to hear his songs.

Here he is at Skyventure, right here in Orlando, FL:

Now, I am sure you have already guessed that this guy couldn't possibly limit his immense talent to just making music. With hair like that, you know he is hiding far more ideas in that noggin of his. Indeed he is. He is also a fashion designer!!! (will someone please put his ass on Project Runway???)
The guy makes his own Peter Pan outfits. Ok. But, he does not stop there, as he has designed several other persona's for you to consider:
"Little Lord Fauntleroy, Black and Burgundy!" , available in Black or burgundy
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Wow.
There is the Blue Dancer, and The Blue Prince:
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Nice thong, huh?

The "Authentic Blue Boy" :
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The "Baby Blue Boy" :
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And of course. . . "BUNNY BOI!!!"
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This is not all. He probably has 20 more costumes on his fashion page, and I highly suggest you check them out. Particularly if you are at work and bored.

I am going to leave you now with a piece from his "Everyday wear" collection:
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UPDATE!!!
He found his Tinkerbell:
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And, they are getting married.
That is pretty sweet. Congrats to them. Now. . . I am wondering if I should email the guy and ask him if he will be doing any public appearances anytime in Orlando, in case you guys would like to see him.

EDIT:::
I emailed the guy.
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